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GM3YEW > HUMOR 11.01.22 07:36z 390 Lines 10538 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 25079_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: Jokes 11/1
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<ON0AR<DB0RES<PI8CDR<PI8ZTM<VE3CGR<GB7YEW
Sent: 220111/0730Z 25079@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
The smooth days of January will be paid for in February and March
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Did You Know -
-It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather
For a year's supply of footballs.
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Desiderata - Max Ehrmann, 1927
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
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Peter Kay's Universal Truths:
11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
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TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS
'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The biscuits I'd nibbled, the champagne I'd taste,
All the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the shops (less a walk,more a lumber).
I'd remember the marvellous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt,
I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend all Summer disguised as a man!"
So-away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip,
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Til all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a biscuit - not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot scones, or cake, or fruit pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to laugh, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
The Parking Meter Attendant
---------------------------
Pauly walks into a bar and says "Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, Pauly, seems you're in a really good mood
Tonight, he?"
Pauly says, "Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go
Around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!"
The bartender congratulates the man and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Pauly comes back into the bar and says "Bartender,
TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! If you're so happy just over having this new
Job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your paycheck!"
Pauly looks at the bartender with a confused look on his face, pulls out
Quite a handful of pound coins from his pocket, and says "You mean they'll PAY
Me on top of it?"
----------------
Here are some allegedly genuine press cuttings which might raise a smile
Or two:
Whichaven civic leaders are flushed with pride after their toilets were
Called the best in the region by the British Toilet Association. The
Judges were particularly impressed by the way both political parties
On the council regularly sat down together. (Evesham Admag)
Police foiled an attempted bank raid yesterday after a robber told staff
He would come back to collect his money. Flying Squad officers pounced when
The man returned seven hours later to pick up the cash.
Detective Superintendent John Shatford said 'This operation should serve
As a warning to anyone thinking of committing a robbery in this way. The
Flying Squad is extremely skilled in dealing with this type of incident
And can respond quickly, as this operation shows.'
A Radio Fivelive reporter sent to cover the retrial of the Leeds United
Footballers in Hull was parking near the court when he was approached by
The car park attendant.
'I suppose you're a journalist' said the attendant.
'How did you guess?' asked the reporter, impressed by the attendant's
Observational skills. To which the attendant replied: 'We don't wear
Sunglasses in Hull.' (Evening Standard).
Lawyers for wild-man rock star Lemmy furiously complained about a story in
Last week's Sunday People about his s*x life which told how the 55 year
Old Motorhead rocker handcuffed his lover to the bed for a three-day s*x
And bondage session.
Mr Lemmy's lawyer said "It was not three days and she was not handcuffed
To the bed. It was seven days and she was hung from the ceiling."
We apologise unreservedly to Mr. Lemmy for any damage to his reputation.
(Sunday People)
Labour councilors in Reading, Berkshire are to stop asking job applicants
For their academic qualifications. They say it discriminates against
people who don't have any.
(The Times)
Mr Clinton persuaded his old school chum Colin Bucoke to go to the police
after he visited Mr. Clinton's home and asked for help in disposing of the
dismembered body. Mrs. Clinton told The Herald that the experience had
deeply shocked her husband. "I've never seen a man so cut up like he was".
(Berkhampstead Herald)
"As a future businessman and a student I take personal exception to the
statement that business people are a group of cultural Philistines. The
reason why some of us have not yet got around to reading Anna Karenina may
simply be because some of us don't like Dickens."
(Edinburgh Evening News)
A man is suing police in Connecticut after he was refused entry to the
force because he was too clever. Norbert Johnson's IQ score of 125 was
deemed too high for the police who said that smart people get bored and
leave. (The Independent)
"During the reindeer season we take the convicts out hunting, even the
murderers" said Tourbe Thrue, head of the correctional institution in
Lourke. "Obviously we don't take the mentally unstable" he said. "they
have to go fishing".
(The Guardian)
Madam, I wholeheartedly endorse the views of Ian David Burrell on the
financial state of the farming industry and his response to the letter
from Mrs. Angela Gavett.
Mrs. Gavett has great difficulty in grasping fundamental economic
Principles. I base this statement on my many years experience as an
Accountant, and on the fact that I am married to her.
(Gloucester Echo)
"I have promised to keep his identity confidential" said Jack Maxims,
spokesman for the Sandon Sun Hotel in Johannesburg, "but I can confirm
that he is no longer in our employment. When we asked him to clean the lifts he
Spent four days on the job. When I asked him why he replied 'Well there
are 40 of them, two on each floor, sometimes some of them aren't there."
Speaking at the European Parliament a French delegate suggested that the
milk product crisis was best left to the common sense of the farmers in
Normandy. He declared "La problem sa resolu par la sagesse Normandie" The
interpreter duly translated this as 'The problem will be solved by Norman
Wisdom'.
Carlisle chiropodist Lisa Gobel will put her best foot forward for a good
cause later this year by walking along a 70-mile stretch along the ancient
Great Wall of China. "It's certainly going to be a challenge," said Miss
Gobel, 32, "I've been told there are parts of the wall which are nearly
vertical".
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Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls. ~Author Unknown
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~ Welsh Proverb
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~ Author Unknown
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsy rides in them. ~Gene Perret
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~ Ogden Nash
Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~ Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother.. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~ Mary H. Waldrip
You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to ****Florida**** .
~Dave
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~ Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~ Alex Haley
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time,' you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~ Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can
but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate.
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G Norman Collie
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Best Wishes
Dave
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