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GM3YEW > HUMOR 10.11.21 07:36z 306 Lines 11174 Bytes #999 (0) @ WW
BID : 22726_GB7YEW
Read: GUEST
Subj: jokes 10/11
Path: HB9ON<IW0QNL<ON0AR<DB0RES<PI8CDR<VE2PKT<GB7YEW
Sent: 211110/0717Z 22726@GB7YEW.#79.GBR.EURO LinBPQ6.0.18
As Grandmother used to say
When ants travel in a straight line, expect rain
--------
Thanks Ian
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A Thesaurus *****************
--
THERE IS REASON TO BELIEVE MOST OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WILL BECOME
REALITY IN THE NEXT 10-20 YEARS . . . . MOST OF US WON'T SEE THE
CHANGES, BUT OUR KIDS AND GRAND-KIDS WILL !!
34 - Cities will have much cleaner air . . . .
35 - Electricity will become incredibly cheap and clean . . . .
----
A family was on its way to the hospital where the 16-year-old daughter
was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride, the teenager
and her parents talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," the teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open
during the surgery?"
Without hesitation, he said, "They're going to give you a phone."
------
A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St.
Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the
Cabby, St. Peter invites him to grab a silk robe and a golden staff and
to Proceed into Heaven.
A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these
Proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon
scanning The preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his
brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and
wooden staff." The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man
of the cloth. You Gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe.
Surely, I rate higher Than a cabby."
St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "Here we are interested in
results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabby drove his
taxi, people Prayed."
------
- Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
- What if my dog only brings back my ball just because he thinks I
like throwing it?
- If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer
poisonous?
- Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
- Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be
called double V? and why isn't "m" called "double n"
- Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to
fully work.
------
- Do twins ever realise that one of them is unplanned?
- What if my dog only brings back my ball just because he thinks I
like throwing it?
- If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer
poisonous?
- Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
- Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be
called double V? and why isn't "m" called "double n"
- Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to
fully work.
- Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty
- The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS".
- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as
hard as trying to win.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in
1953 are probably dead.
- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the
answer to each of them.
- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it
than there were before.
- If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It
really does fall on a Tuesday)
---
Car Keys- !!
They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's
ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realised she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
and that it had been stolen. Eventually, I plucked up the courage and
made the most difficult call of all to my wife: “I left my keys in the
car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the
call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. “Are you
kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be
silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your bloody car!"
Welcome to the Golden Years
----------
The Top 8 Reasons Your Dog Wants The Postman Dead
-------------------------------------------------
8. Paper boys are too young to have that natural gamey flavour.
7. He's too busy to play, too big to eat and too quick to hump, yet he
Comes back day after day, that wicked tease.
6. Those vaccination reminders from the vet don't deliver themselves,
now Do they?
5. It's a sport. What, you humans think you're the only ones who like to
Hunt?
4. Postman Steak, Postman Roast, Postman Top Sirloin, Postman Hamburger,
Postman Ribs....
3. The pea in his whistle is made from a dehydrated dog testicle.
2. The Grand Slam is mailman, plumber, landscaper and meter reader.
And the Number 1 Reason Your Dog Wants the Postman Dead...
1. Dead postman = 206 new bones to bury.
Celebrating Today: Internet Birthday
-------------------------------------
In 1969, a Sigma-7 computer at the University of California at Los
Angeles Was linked to an SDS 940 computer at Stanford Research
Institute (SRI International) in Menlo Park, California. The first
message sent over a Packet-switched network were the letters "lo," the
first letters of the Word "login." After Charley Kline sent the first
two letters, the system Crashed. The two networked computers were the
beginning of Arpanet which Led to the current Internet.
----------
THE 12 STEP PROGRAM
The 12-Step Program for Web Addict Survivors - Join now ... Free
Membership If you join within the next 30 days!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper
like I Used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand
typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan
dinner Before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends
and Family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book ... I think I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling
them To turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, whether
it is Necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to
balance my Chequebook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime ... And the Web will always be there tomorrow!
Arrangements
------------
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a
Marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my
Son's' life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's
Daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your
Daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man
is Already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a
Young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have
More vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord
Rothschild's Son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Living Will
-----------
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just So you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent
on some Machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.
- Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty
- The word "SWIMS" upside-down is still "SWIMS".
- Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as
hard as trying to win.
- 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
- Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
- The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in
1953 are probably dead.
- If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the
answer to each of them.
- Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
- If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it
than there were before.
- If 2/22/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It
really does fall on a Tuesday)
---
Car Keys- !!
They weren't in my pockets.
Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car.
Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's
ignition. She's afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the parking lot, I realised she was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car,
and that it had been stolen. Eventually, I plucked up the courage and
made the most difficult call of all to my wife: “I left my keys in the
car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the
call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice. “Are you
kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my turn to be
silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your bloody car!"
Welcome to the Golden Years
----------
Arrangements
------------
Henry Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a
Marriage for your son. "The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my
Son's' life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's
Daughter." "Well, in that case..."
Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your
Daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man
is Already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a
Young man to recommend to you as a vice president." "But I already have
More vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord
Rothschild's Son-in-law." "Ah, in that case...."
Living Will
-----------
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just So you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent
on some Machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up and unplugged the TV.
---
Best Wishes
Dave
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